On Becoming Beautiful
Growing up is a difficult process, especially for young girls struggling with their self image. Those early years are a time where many girls suffer from low self esteem. We link our self worth to how ‘cool’ we are, which for a girl in her teenage years means how pretty and fashionable she is. I watched the pilot episode of “Never Have I Ever” a few days ago, about Devi, a 15 year old Indian girl living in America. There was a scene where a boy essentially tells Devi that she is undesirable and no boy would want her. This really resonated with me as I have also struggled with low self esteem in my younger years, and I have seen my younger sister go through the same things 13 years later.
Most people who know a young girl struggling with low self esteem and self image issues want to her. The desire to help is strong in all of us, but often in our effort to help, we end up making things worse. I would like to share some insights from my own journey going from low self esteem to feeling more confident, so others can help young girls and women in their lives feel stronger and more beautiful.
Be mindful of what you say
It seems quite self-evident, but my first piece of advice is to be mindful of your words when speaking about things related to beauty.
I grew up in Fiji, steeped in a special version of Indian culture where it was not unusual for people to criticise others, and especially to criticise children. Comments about my looks were made casually, often without a moment’s reflection of the effect those words may have.
As a young girl, I often had older ‘aunties’ say to me that my teeth protruded too far out, or that the gap in the middle of them didn’t look good, or that my lips were too pouty, or my hair was too thin, or I was too skinny. Sometimes, the comments were not said so much to me but made in my presence. They spoke about me to each other, knowing full well that I was there and could hear everything. Sitting there, invisible, listening to adults talking about my physical appearance, I felt alone, unloved, unwanted and very much like a reject.
When you hear such things repeatedly as a young girl in your formative years, you tend to internalise it and start to believe it as objective truth. I know I did. I began to think I was not pretty, I had many flaws and imperfections, and no boy would ever love me. It affected my self confidence and self esteem. In the 1990’s, when I was growing up in Fiji, there was a popular Bollywood song from the movie Dilwale, which had the line: “Kitna haseen chehra, kitni pyari aankhein…Kudrat ne banaya hoga fursat se tujhe mere yaar.” It translates roughly to praise about a woman’s beauty: Such a beautiful face, such lovely eyes… God must have made you with a lot of leisure.” Whenever I heard this song, I thought, “That sadly doesn’t apply to me. I wish it did. God definitely didn’t take his time when making me. He must have made me in a rush.”
I have had situations where women in my extended family not only commented on my appearance but went a step further by suggesting ‘ideas’ of how to address it. For example, women often made suggestions and comments that my teeth would not protrude so much if I just gained some weight and ‘filled up’ my face. They may have said it with all the best intentions in the world but you know what, every time anyone mentioned my teeth and the problem they saw with it, how I could fix it, or why it was not too bad, it just made me feel bad. I didn’t want people to point it out or mention it at all. I wished they would just talk about something else entirely.
Help the woman in your life by refraining from giving unsolicited advice about her looks. Because by advising her, you are telling her that there is something wrong with her, which she must fix.
Instead, try to examine why you think there is something needing to be fixed, what arbitrary ideas of beauty you are influenced by, and change your perspective. If you do identify some physical attribute that is not quite right, the solution is not to tell her and give her ideas of how to fix it. The solution is to change our own perspective so that we no longer see it as a flaw. Because it really is not a flaw. We must change our own thinking because when we change the way we think, it naturally changes the way we speak and the things we say, and by changing our words we can change the way the woman who hears those words thinks about herself.
Empower her
Just like negative comments can cause damage, positive comments can repair and rebuild. Genuine compliments and appreciation can make her feel beautiful and empowered.
I’m not saying that beauty equals empowerment. Certainly, there is so much more to beauty than just physical appearance. As the saying goes, beauty is not just skin deep. Other characteristics like kindness, empathy, and personality all contribute to beauty. Then there is also the fact that beauty is but only an aspect of us. There are so many things that make us who we are, and that we should strive for and embrace. Things such as strength, resilience, perseverance, knowledge, wisdom, the list is never ending. It goes without saying that we should celebrate and nurture these characteristics in young women, but that is a topic for another day. For now, let’s focus on physical beauty while keeping in mind that this is only one aspect.
In my experience, when we feel beautiful, it enhances our self image and self esteem. It makes us feel better about ourselves. On the other hand, if we feel we are ugly or unworthy of love, our self confidence and self esteem shrinks. When we constantly hear this message, our self worth slowly shrivels away.
But like many things in life, self confidence, self esteem and our image of ourselves can be developed over time. When we tell a young girl that she is beloved and beautiful just the way she is, when we show her that we treasure those very things that she may be feeling insecure about, we build her self confidence. When we repeat it again and again, we build her self confidence.
I was lucky to meet a wonderful man who told me and showed me just that when I was in my early 20s. That man is now my husband. He made me feel beloved and beautiful. Instead of giving me advice about how to ‘fix’ my ‘flaws’, he treasured those parts of me. As an example, I had grown up being told my ears were too large and unsymmetrical. Apparently, when I was born, my left ear was folded upon itself vertically and my mum had to tape it to my head in an effort to straighten it up. But my husband didn’t notice any flaw in my ears. In fact, he told me he loved it when I tied my hair back so that he could see my ears. He said they were cute. I was taken aback. My ears were cute? I had never heard that before!
My husband didn’t see the physical aspects of me that I’d been told my whole life were somehow ‘wrong’ as being physical flaws. He saw them as things that made me beautiful and told me that he loved me more because of those aspects. He repeated this again and again, telling me how beautiful I was, how treasured and how beloved. Over time, I began to believe this. I learnt to accept myself and love myself.
Just like negative criticism and negative comments are internalised over time, so too can positive comments be internalised if repeated often. It is sometimes not easy to accept those parts of us that we think are unworthy, unloveable or ugly. But when those around us tell us that those parts are beautiful and worthy of love, and tell us that time and time again, we begin the process of self acceptance. We begin to see our own beauty and we begin to grow into the best version of ourselves. When such positive messages are repeated, instead of negative ones, it reinforces our positive self image and encourages self confidence.
So next time you think that a part of you or a woman you know is not ‘ideal’ or beautiful, try to find positive things to say about those parts instead. Show her love for being exactly as she is. You will be surprised by the powerful impact small words of praise and acceptance can have in the long term.
Conclusion
We all interact with women in our lives. We all have young girls in our lives, and even though we may not know it or may not feel like it, the comments we make have a significant impact. It is therefore so important that we are more mindful of what we say. We can work towards being more mindful in our speech and choosing words that heal instead of hurt. Our words have power and through them we can help break away negative self image and build a more positive, confident woman who feels good just the way she is.
I want to leave you with this song by Billy Preston, which so perfectly captures the essence of this post:
You are so beautiful to me.
You are so beautiful to me
Can’t you see?
You’re everything
I hope for and what’s more
You’re everything I need.
